


Desperate Romantics

by redtypewriter



Series: Sweet Stories for Stormy Skies [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-10 16:35:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3297206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redtypewriter/pseuds/redtypewriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting to know somebody is a crazy thing, especially when you start falling in love with the process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this whole thing was kinda inspired by my distaste for the idea of 'love at first sight'  
> Before you love somebody, you like them, then you like them a lot, then you might fall in love with them, y'know?  
> Anyway- I hope you like it, leave kudos and a comment!

Since his merger with Justice, Anders had picked up the bad habit of sorting everybody he met into categories. He always figured it was the way that the fade spirit must have seen the world- clear cut, with different people being different things. It rarely had any impact on his relationship with the person, nor how he thought of them.

The day he met Mal Hawke he realized quickly that she was unlike anybody he had ever met, and certainly didn't fit into any of the categories he had so carefully put together. Either that, or she fit into so many of them it was impossible to pick just one.

She sauntered into his clinic, still in the midst of making a joke to the dwarf next to her. Anders had grabbed his staff and threatened, quickly realized that they were not helpless refugees.

That had sobered her up, she looked up at him, straightened her shoulders- after getting to know her he was sure that she hadn't even meant to do it- and crossed her arms.

"Hey, hey, hey, there's no need for threats, or mage-offs if thats what you're about to start doing, Hawke. We just want to talk." The dwarf said. "We're looking for some maps into the deep roads."

"Did the wardens send you to bring me back? Forget it, I'm not going." Anders said, putting his staff back against the wall. "Those bastards make me get rid of my cat."

"Well you don't have to worry, any cats you may have can stay right where they are, I'm not with the wardens." She then released a jingling laugh that took away every ounce of tension in the room, and gave him a practiced smile made to put people at ease. "You can call me Hawke, if you like. Though you can really call me whatever you like, 'apostate bitch' is a popular one, hmm, 'the egotistical one that thinks she's funny'- a guy in the hanged man said that last night, and I think I like it.” Her silvery voice rang throughout the room.

Anders couldn't hold back a chuckle, if only because she started to laugh at her own joke once again. "I think Hawke is fine. But you're still not getting those maps. I will die a happy man if I never have to think of the blighted deep roads again."

She seemed to wilt a little bit at that, but didn't relent. "Even if I say pretty please?"

"No I'm afraid... wait, a favor for a favor. What do you say?"

She let out a long sigh and turned to face the man behind her “Carver, cover your ears.” The man made an annoyed noise, but obeyed. Hawke turned back to face Anders, "Alright, top front, 15 minutes? I mean you're cute but I'm not taking my pants off for a map, sorry."

"Maker I can still year you- if you don’t want me to hear something at least whisper it." Carver said.

Anders waved his hands in front of him. "No, no, not that kind of favor."

"Oh," she almost looked surprised. "Then yeah I'll do it."

"Really? You're not even going to ask what it is? I could be asking you for the Knight-Commander's head on a platter."

"Are you asking for that? I mean I'd be happy to but it might take me a while."

"Well no, but if you wanted to do it I'd give you the maps and everything else I've got." He grinned, realizing that this was a person that he would really love to get to know.

"Alright, what's your favor?"

  
  
  


They walked back into his clinic after the horrific Chantry incident. He sat down on a crate and put his head in his hands.

"So, is this the part where you tell me you're an abomination?" She sounded hesitant.

"No, but you're not as far from the mark."

And so he told her everything, from leaving the Wardens to Justice.  And she just sat and listened. When he was done she just looked at him, trying to think of something to say.

"Ah well, you know how the saying goes, the cute ones are always gay, taken, or abominations. But hey, nobody's perfect." She joked, a half smile playing at her lips, but her brow was creased a bit with worry that it wasn't the right thing to say.

"I never thought I'd meet someone who could look past that."

"Well, what can I say, I'm a bit of a wildcard." They fell into silence. "But we're both apostates here, aren't we, I'm not sure that our lifestyle can allow us to be picky." She said quietly after a few minutes.

It was completely new, having somebody to just listen without another motive that he could see, and he loved it.  He barely knew her and he could already safely say that he had never liked someone quite this much. Their hands brushed against each other,with an intentional spark between them on her part.

_If only I could've met her a year ago._ He thought to himself, before standing abruptly, ending the moment.

"Well, a deal's a deal, my maps are yours." He turned to fetch them from his desk, shuffling through the papers. "As am I if you need me." He said, almost without thinking. Hawke smiled and took the maps.

"I might just have to take you up on that"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Anders get stranded on the coast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so in the spirit of my favorite trope of 'its -insert dramatic weather thing here- so we cant go home we'll just have to hang out here until it blows over and talk

The warden had said to him a long time ago, that before you fall in love, there’s always a moment where you know that it’s coming, or at least, you know that it could happen if you didn’t try not to.

Anders had thought about that a lot in the past, how odd it must be to be a person that could lead such a life without fear or the certainty of loss. Though at the moment, her lesson was far from his mind, and organizing his absurdly large stack of papers was his first objective for the afternoon.

A knock came through the wooden door before it opened. He knew without turning around that he would be Hawke, as she was the only one that offered the courtesy of knocking before letting herself in anyway.

"Hawke, what brings you to Darktown on such a fine day."

"Oh, well I just fancied a walk through the sewers, really, there are some beautiful sights to see. And on the way I thought, hmm, why don't I go and see my favorite sewer-dwelling apostate." She picked a small bottle up while talking and started to shake it, making the colors change.

"Must you touch everything when you come in here?" He sounded more annoyed than intended.

"Hmm? Oh, yes, I have to touch everything when I go anywhere." She set the bottle down when it started to fizz. "Anyway, care for a trip to the coast?"

"Depends, who else is going?"

"Just you and me, if that's alright?"

"Yeah alright, I could use some air- what's the chore?"

"Some alchemist wants a fancy flower, and who am I to deny him?"

"You are truly a generous soul."

"Oh I know, and I'm humble too."

 

____

"OK so I think it's supposed to grow in a cave?" Hawke said, spinning in a circle to look around.

"What kind of cave?" She has no idea what she's looking for does she? He thought to himself.

"Are they so varied? I dunno, a cave-y cave."

"Come to think of it they all do look the same. Alright do you know what it's called?"

"Um,"

"You don't know, do you?" Dear Maker

"Well he did tell me, but I forgot- I'm sure we'll find it, though, there can't be that many flowers on the coast."

"Do you know what it looks like?"

"Red? I think?"

"OK so here we are, on the very large coast, looking for an unnamed flower that might grow in cave-y caves, and might be red. You, my dear, are very good at getting your facts together." He laughed.

"Alright alright, you don't need to make fun of me, if you'd talked to him you'd know exactly where to go, I know." The bounce had left her voice.

"I wasn't making fun of you!" He assured her quickly.

"You don't need to lie, you know. I know I'm not very smart- especially compared to you. I mean I would rather you not bring it up, but you shouldn't pretend that it isn't true."

They had stopped walking, and Anders furrowed his brow. She was looking at her shoes.

"You don't really think that, do you?" He was completely baffled at the admission. On top of it not being true, her admitting an insecurity seemed completely out of character.

"I don't think it, I know it, let's just get moving." She turned to walk but he caught her wrist.

"It's not true though- you're one of the smartest people I've ever met."

"I'm not sure that being able to shoot templars with lightning and being good at diamondback qualifies me as smart."

"You're a lot of things, Hawke,and stupid is not one of them. Trust me, I wouldn’t lie to you."

She was clearly searching his face for a trace of humor, and exhaled when she failed to find any. Anders bit back a smile when the heat rose in her cheeks.

"Well, uh," she cleared her throat. "Thank you. We should get moving."

"Lead the way."

 

As it turns out, searching random caves when you don't know what you're looking for can get a little tiring.

"Do you want to just take a break for a bit? I think it's going to rain anyway." Hawke suggested.

"We could try to make it back to Kirkwall." And as if on queue the downpour began.

"I don't think that would be wise." She said. She flashed him a grin. "Wanna just camp out here?"

"There could be bandits in here."

"We combed the entire damn cave looking for that flower, I think we'd know."

"True, but it might still stop," he shifted uncomfortably.

"Why so eager to get away from me?"

He turned away from the cave opening to look at her, offering a low chuckle. "I'm definitely not trying to get away from you, Hawke, I can just think of better, dryer, places to be."

"Well it could be worse."

"Oh?"

"Sure, Fenris isn't here, so there's that," she paused, "and there's pretty much no chance of us being caught by templars."

He grinned at that. "Alright, then its definitely not so bad." He sat down on the floor of the cave, looking out the narrow opening at the rain.

Hawke got up to look around a bit for firewood and ignited it with a bolt of lightening.

"Why not just use fire?" Anders asked, looking at her quizzically.

"You don't use fire."

The silence that followed was warm and comfortable.

"You know I've never met a mage like you before." Hawke said, her legs curled up against her chest, her chin turned to face him. "My father just wanted to hide us, and my sister wanted to be normal. You're the only one I've known that's actually proud of what we are."

He blinked, not even sure if she wanted an answer, but decided that he wanted to give one.

"I could say the same thing to you."

She gave him the most genuine smile he had ever seen.

"You know when I was a kid, I just didn't get it- y'know? When I just started showing signs my mother cried all night. But I was proud of it, I set a tree on fire in the middle of a storm and it was the biggest thing I had ever done. Beth's first was a bit more...sweet."

She looked a little distant.

"Beth?"

"My sister."

"I didn't know you have a sister."

"Had a sister."

"Oh. I'm...sorry. Can I ask you what happened?"

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"Well, I’m starting to think ‘setting things on fire’ is a common first screw up.” He changed the subject.

“I take it you did it too?”

“Burned down the barn.”

“Oh, well, go big or go home I see.”

She leaned into him pressing her shoulder against his. He swallowed hard. Who knew a thunderstorm and a cave would lead to such connection. He felt a bit of vibration coming from her, then realized she was laughing.

"What is it?"

"Nothing I just realized that you're a really shitty apostate." She laughed louder.

"Excuse me?" But it was impossible not to join in.

"It's just, for my entire life it's been a secret. The only real close call I've ever had was when I was a child and I couldn't control it. But here you are, telling everybody in Darktown what you are."

"Well, it's hard to help people when they don't know how you're going to do it."

"See that's it, you're helping people instead of running away from them. I may not have been in the circle, but I was still in a cage. Being on the run is a really selfish thing, because anybody you don't trust one hundred percent needs to be cut out of the equation as fast as possible."

"I don't see why that's selfish- you wanted to keep them safe."

"But it was never about them. It was entirely about my own safety. I mean I killed a lot of innocent people who were just caught in the crosshairs, because there was nothing I could do to be sure that I was safe."

"Well it's the templars fault either way." He said, hoping to lighten the mood.

"I like the way you think, Blondie." He could hear her smiling.

"I can usually find a way to blame everything on them."

"Even this bad weather?"

"Especially this bad weather."

"Damn those blighted Templars... Would Justice smite me if I told you that I sometimes go out at night just to thin out their herd?"

A corner of his mouth turned up. "No, but he might kiss you."

"Oh? And what about you?"

"Hmm?" He hoped that he hadn't heard her correctly.

"Would you kiss me?"

"I'm not sure that would be a good idea, Hawke." he answered.

"Spoil sport, let me know if you change your mind. You know where to find me." She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes.

 

But he would've kissed her. He would've kissed her for the rest of his life if he could. As her chest slowly rose and fell as she slept he realized that, unless he was very, very careful, he would fall completely in love with her. And knowing that he still could, that he very well might, fall in love after all this time, was a better feeling than any he had had in a long time. Because falling in love would mean he was still human, after all that had happened- and that was the best thing in the world.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Deep Roads

Bartrand had always been shady, and it was only a matter of time until he betrayed them by doing something they all should’ve seen coming.

The whole Deep Roads situation was just getting worse. Varric's brother had just locked the door and thrown away the key, and they were completely stuck.

"Alright do you want to just camp out here and see if we can open it in the morning?" Hawke suggested. Carver groaned but accepted.

"Hey Blondie, can you do that thing with the floating fire?" Varric said, wiggling his fingers in front of his face.

"Yeah, sure thing." He extended a hand and created a small ball of fire on the floor. That one spell had saved his sanity too many times in the dark deep roads.

Hawke sat against a corner, and Carver went to sit beside her. They sat quite close for two people that claimed to hate eachother, but then again, there's nothing like the sudden threat of death to bring people together. But the more he watched the two of them, the more natural it seemed. This wasn't a sudden change of heart in a 'let's just get along' moment, this was a routine. The Hawkes spoke quietly to each other, Carver even smiled a bit.

"Hey, Varric, why don't you tell us a story." She said, giggling at the groan from Carver.

"Alright, do you want to hear the next chapter of Hard in Hightown?"

"I'd love to."

Varric settled into the story so naturally, talking with his hands as much as his mouth. But Anders was hardly listening, only watching Hawke and her brother with a lot of curiosity. It wasn't long before Carver's head drooped into sleep. Hawke looked up at her brother with a sleepy smile, she pulled away from him slightly to reach her pack. She grabbed out some flocked robe and folded them into a pillow that she placed on her lap. She then pulled the massive warrior down to rest his head on the pillow, petting his hair for just a moment. Anders chose that moment to go over to them.

"He'll be so embarrassed if he wakes up like this." Anders whispered.

"The world could end and he still won't wake up for at least 7 hours." She matched his tone.

"Here I was thinking you hated each other."

"Resentment isn't the same as hate. Hate has no place in family."

She turned her head back to Varric, who seemed to have not noticed that they weren't paying attention. A small smile rested upon her lips and she closed her eyes, just listening.

The firelight played across her face, accentuating every curve. She never ceased to fascinate him, how they could be in a place so dark, but still give off so much light. How could she be happy at a time like this? But happy wasn't the right word, Anders decided, she was hopeful. Everything was going to be OK, just because she thought that it would.

She was the one bright light in the Deep Roads, in Kirkwall, in all of Thedas as far as Anders was concerned. It was no longer a question of 'if' he would fall for her, because he was too close for that. Now the only question was 'when', because he was almost there.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Can we take a break for a moment?" Carver said from behind her.

"Not feeling well?"

"I..." He started before collapsing into a heap. Her heart dropped into the pit of her stomach racing to him as fast as she could. She pulled his head up onto her lap as she had so many times before.

"Carver, come on what is it?"

"It's the Blight, I can feel the corruption." Anders said.

"So this is it then? I'll end up like that Templar, Wesley."

"No. No you won't, Carver I'm going to get you out of this."

"I'm not going to make it to the surface, or anywhere."

"Stop it." She demanded.

"I think I might be able to help." Anders said. Hawke's head turned so fast she thought she might get whiplash.

"Well? Spit it out!" She cried.

"On the maps, if there are Grey Wardens here, I know where to find them."

"And then what? I...become a Grey Warden?" Carver choked out.

"I don't see that we have much of a choice." She helped him to his feet.

"Are you sure about this, Mal?" Her brother said.

She had no idea how to answer, yes, she was sure that he had to live, above all else that's what was important. No, from what she'd heard of the Wardens that wasn't where she wanted her brother to go.

"Not even a little bit."

 

Stroud took her brother away, Hawke waited for them to leave before bursting into a fit of loud, angry, sobs. Anders was the first to grab her, and he pulled her to his chest tightly.

"Hey, come on, he'll make it, it's okay, it's okay," He kept saying into her hair, desperately trying to quiet her screaming sobs as she cried for her brother. She knew that he would live, but she may never see him again. She cried for her whole family, now that it was more broken than ever.

She was so alone.

She had her friends, and she knew that they loved her dearly, but it wasn't the same. Carver, Bethany, and her father were always there. What they had was unconditional, no matter how much you fucked up they weren't going to leave you. Mal didn't have enough experience with friends to make it work like that. She needed somebody to take care of her when she was alone and afraid, and she was too damn proud to let herself seek that outside of her family.

It took her a long time to stop crying, and even then didn't leave the embrace. He put his hands on her face and pulled her away, wiping her tears away in a sweeping motion with his thumbs.

"Everything is going to work out, I promise."

In that moment she loved him. Without even realizing it he had made everything fall into place in her mind. Her body still shook with sobs. Even though he could never keep that promise, she had him, and she wasn't going to let go.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dark night in the clinic

Anders was exhausted. The first night back from the deep roads he lay face down on his cot. Sleep was just about to take him when there was a knock on his door.

"I'm closed." He shouted back.

Another knock.

"Is it an emergency?"

A louder knock.

"Are you sure that it can't wait until tomorrow?"

One last knock. Anders sighed and went to open the door. On the other side stood Hawke. Looking so blank.

"Hawke, what's going on?"

She first put her hand over her mouth, furrowed her brow, then shook her head, before finally saying "Can I...stay here? For a night or two? I would go to the Hanged Man but it's too noisy."

"Hey absolutely, what's mine is yours- but what's wrong with your house."

Her face lacked all the animation she usually gave. "I, uh, I think I just got disowned." She said with no obvious emotion, only mild confusion and lack of direction.

"Oh Maker, what happened?" He said, compensating for her lack of feeling.

"I took Carver to the Deep Roads and now she'll never see him again. That's not something mothers take too kindly to I guess." She  threw a hastily packed bag onto the ground beside a cot.

"She couldn't possibly blame you for what happened."

Mal let out a bark of bitter laughter. "You don't know my mother."

"No, but that's just ridiculous. It's not your fault- it's the darkspawns or something."

"But haven't you heard? Everything that happened to my family was my fault. I couldn't heal my father, so he died. I didn't stop Bethany from charging off to kill a damned Ogre, so she got snapped in half." Anders winced. "And then I took Carver, the last part of her family, into the Deep Roads and he caught the blight! Honestly it's better that I stay away, next thing I know I'll just skip the middle man and strangle her. That's what she thinks anyway." She plopped down onto the cot and stared at the ceiling. Anders sat down on the one beside her.

"You know none of that is true, right?" His heart ached for her.

"Sure it is." She said matter-of-factly.

"Hindsight is always 20/20."

"What does that even mean?"

"It means that when you look back on something bad that happened, you can always tell the exact things that could've prevented it. In the moment there's no way you could've known what was going to happen."

"You don't need to try and make me feel better, you know." She rolled onto her side to meet his eyes.

"Hawke-"

She cut him off "You can call me Mal if you want."

He was a bit taken aback by the offer. Nobody called her that except for Carver.

"Alright, Mal, what happened is what happened, there's no use torturing yourself about it after it's done."

"I'll start following that advice when you do."

He laughed, "Alright, that's fair."

"Bethany would've really like you." Mal said so quietly.

"Really? Why's that?"

"Because you're a good person. She was a healer too, like you. She would've said that you remind her of our father...it's not true though, you're not much like him at all, but she would've said so."

"I can tell that you really miss her."

"Yeah, I really do. Carver missed her too. He always acted like that but he was so much worse after we lost her. They were twins, you know."

"Really? I can't imagine what a female Carver would look like."

"Well you don't have to, she was always the pretty one out of the three of us."

"So what happened with Carver anyway. I mean you said that you were just like your father, and that your sister was kind, I just mean, how did he turn out to be so..."

"Much of a prick?" She offered.

"Yeah that's it."

"Well, let me just say first that I loved my father dearly, but I would never call him a good parent. He was more of a companion or a friend. And I was the one he paid attention to- I mean he taught Bethany magic, but outside of that is was just me and him. Bethany was pretty and sweet so she was my Mother's, and Carver...well he was sort of left out in the dust. He was just so resentful of that I think."

"Wow...I didn't know."

"And why would you? Such a well adjusted person like myself must've had a stable life growing up, right?" She burst out laughing. She leaned over to her bag and dug, pulling out two bottles of cheap wine. She shoved a bottle in his direction. "Drink?"

"Uh, no thanks. Justice doesn't let me drink anymore."

She opened hers and took a swig, then propped herself up on her elbows and stuck out her bottom lip and pouted. "Pretty please, Justice? Wouldn't it be unjust to let a sad girl drink all by herself?"

Anders chuckled. "He says no."

"Damn, what a kill joy. More for me, then." She took a long drink. "OK just drink it anyway and pretend, alright?"

"Alright, fine."

She grinned broadly, pretty white teeth almost sparkling.

"Let's play a game."

"Alright what do you have in mine?"

"Never have I ever? And if you have you totally have to tell the story."

"Sounds good. Do you want me to start?" Hawke nodded. "OK, never have I ever...been to Orlais."

"I'm Ferelden, of course I haven't been to Orlais. Never have I ever forgotten the name of someone I slept with."

"Oh so that's how we're going to play it then?" When he took a drink Mal burst into a fit of giggles.

"You're terrible!"

"What can I say, I used to be a very different person."

"You mean you weren't always such a prude?"

"I suppose that's fair. Never have I ever had a serious relationship."

"Really? Huh I wouldn't have expected that." She took a drink. "Why is that?"

"The circle isn't really a place for love, too dangerous with the templars and whatnot. It gives them too much power over you if there’s something you couldn’t bear to lose. And I recall a rule that if you have, you've got to tell."

"Her name was Kell, she was a farmer's daughter, and I was 19."

"And what happened?"

"I fell in love, I slept with her, she saw Beth using magic and I killed her. Left a note at her house for her parents saying that we had run away together." She took another drink for good measure.

"Wow, I'm sorry...I shouldn't have asked."

"It's fine, it was a long time ago. So if you were never in a serious relationship, does that mean you've never been in love?"

"I don't think that's how the game is played, sweetheart."

"OK then, never have I ever been in love." She said before taking a drink.

"That's not fair."

"You've still got to do it."

He looked at the bottle, truly unsure rather to drink or not. He knew that he would, but taking that drink would make it so much more real.

"I don't want to play anymore, Mal."

"Seriously? I just told you about kell- I have literally never told anybody about that before- and you can answer that with a yes or a no?"

"Just drop it, alright?"

"It's a simple question."

"I can't answer because I don't know the answer."

"Bullshit, you know or you don't, I'm not sure there's a lot of in between there."

He bit his lip, this would be it, admitting it, accepting it. Not yet, he decided.

"Ok then no, I haven't."

"Was that really so hard?" She was quiet.

"You have no idea."

"Do you really want to stop playing?"

"I'd rather just talk, if that's alright with you."

"Ok. I can do that."

"For starters, why do you have two staves with you? And why does one have a naked woman on top?"

"The tit stick was my fathers."

"It's, uh, nice?"

"No it isn't. I mean it works well but I wouldn't want to be caught carrying that around. Damn, you should've seen my mother when I took it with me. I'm not sure I've ever seen somebody look so angry- and I am counting you when you go Justice."

"Maker, I'm glad I wasn't there, that sounds terrifying."

And so the rest of the night went like this. They fell into a comfortable rhythm of stories to share. No matter how dull, every story about the Hawke family fascinated Anders, the very concept of a mage with a family was so foreign. Every word about Anders adventures had her on the edge of her seat, smiling, wishing she could have led such a life. With their heads filled with new insights of one another they drifted off to sleep. Her words to him felt more intimate than sex had ever felt. He knew that these words were just for him, and it filled him to the brim with a concoction of exhilaration, guilt, and mystification.

When Anders awoke Mal wasn't in her cot. He was afraid that she had left without saying goodbye, until he saw her things, still strewn across his floor. He smiled to himself, remembering the night before. He sat all the way up and scanned the room, and finally settled on her in her pajamas sitting at his desk. He stood and walked towards her.

"You know, those were organized last night."

"No, I found them like this. You're so messy I swear."

"Hmm, sure."

Mal stood up and tilted her chin up to look at him.

"Thank you, for last night, I mean. It felt really good to just...talk like that. I haven't been able to do that in a very long time."

"I'll always be here for you, Mal, you can count on that."

She had an odd look in her eye, looking at every part of his face as if searching for an answer. With the same look she moved towards him, and pressed her lips to his, resting her hands on his chest.  It lasted only a few seconds, but it was enough. The floodgates had opened and he loved her with everything he had.

So many things rushed through his head at once. Every wonderful thing he wished he could do with her, but they were all overwhelmed with the sour thoughts that ended with Justice ripping out her heart.

"You don't need to say it, I know, we can never be together because of Justice or whatever. I just," she took a long pause. "wanted to be sure."

She strode over to her bag and began collecting her things.

"Of?" He already knew the answer, and she knew that she didn't have to say a thing.

"Don't worry, you can have your cot back, I'll go stay at the hanged man until I have things sorted out with my mother."

"You can stay as long as you like." He almost hoped she would stay.

"No that's not a good idea, I'll see you soon, OK?" She hoisted the bag over her shoulder and made her way out the door.

He loved her. He had let himself slip in that one second and there he was, completely, irrevocably, in love with her. He knew he should feel terrible, loving somebody he can never be with, but Anders was on top of the world.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nights spent talking in his clinic are becoming a habit, I see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the final chapter! Complete with sappy speeches and the whole works- leave a comment and kudos if you like it!

The last few days had been hectic at best, an absolute shitstorm of terrifying at worst. Anders was pretty sure it leaned towards the latter but, as Mal told him constantly, he had a penchant for drama.

The tranquil solution, for one, was a plot that seemed to have hatched from his actual nightmares. The nightmares were another element, his warden dreams seemed to have been replaced with daunting visions of Hawke standing in the gallows courtyard with the brand stamped on her forehead. And then to top it off it had poured nearly every day this week.

Mal loved the rain, she always said it made her powers stronger, which probably wasn't true, even though she was always more efficient in the rain. Of course, he knew, it wasn't the rain that she loved so, it was the lightning.

Once he had asked her "Really, why is it that you only really use electricity magic? You're an amazing mage, I bet you could slip into some elemental magics easily."

_"Well,"_ she said, smiling as if she was about to tell a secret. _"Anybody can make fire. Archers can make fire. Ice, that's a little harder, but still achievable. Lightening though, that's just us. The only ones that can make lightening are mages and the storms. Both are just as dangerous, just as beautiful, and just as special."_ She had looked up at him expectantly as if he had anything to add to her words.

 

 

And so the clinic was closed for the day- after the week he'd had, he was positive that nobody could fault him for taking a day off to rest. Then there was a knock on his door. Anders groaned loudly enough for whoever it was to hear, but the knocking persisted.

"Is it an emergency?" He shouted.

"It's me!" The voice replied.

He smiled and shook his head, going to unlock the door for her. "If you're asking me to go on some ridiculous adventure today, you can count me out. I'm exhausted"

"Oh you don't need to worry about that so am I. I just needed to make a quick dash- my mother was setting up another date."

"Another date?"

"This will be the fourth one." She rolled her eyes and walked into the clinic.

"And? Have you found _the one_?" He joked, albeit a bit nervously.

"Oh ha ha. Why yes I was in the Poirot Estate the other night and simply swooning when Gerard was telling me how amazing he was. I think I'm in love." She emphasized her joke with a spin and an exaggerated swoon and falling into his arms. She grabbed his hand and pulled him into a sloppy waltz.

"What a lucky man," he smiled, more at ease after she spoke.

"Oh I know, just imagine how horrified he'll be when I learns that I'm a murderous apostate."

"It's an endearing trait."

"Says the murderous apostate."

He laughed and spun her, causing her to let go and sit on a cot.

"Shit I just hope she doesn't keep doing this." She sounded more serious now.

"Oh it's not like any harm comes from a few silly dates," he said and sat beside her.

She leaned in and pressed her shoulder to his, put her head on his shoulder, and looped her pinky finger over his. Anders tensed up, but made no motion to move. He was content with the contact. Touch had always been something he needed, since he had been in solitary,  the constant reassurance that everything was real was what kept him grounded- and there was always a haunting disbelief that somebody as wonderful as her could've been real.

"No, but it's sort of like," she paused and thought, "all or nothing, y'know?"

"No,"

"I mean... you know I'm not really that fond of compromise. Either I'm with the person I want, or I'd rather just not partake." She sighed.

"And is there a person you want?" He knew the answer, he wasn't even sure why he had asked.

"You ask that like you don't already know." she whispered, moving her shoulders in a silent laugh.

"Mal," he began, but he had no idea how to finish. He couldn’t fathom saying something he didn’t mean just to push her away further. _I don't feel the same,_ would be an unbearable lie, _I love you so much but I'm terrified that I'll hurt you- or that you'll wake up one day and realize what an idiot I am, and that would kill me,_ wasn't exactly something he could bring himself to say out loud.

"It's fine, I know," their hands intertwined further.

He stroked her hand with his thumb and squeezed his eyes shut, as if that would save him from saying something stupid, but he knew it was over. Every ounce of willpower that had held him back for so long was gone, and it was over. 

"Are you sure that you want this?" was what finally came out.

"Mmhmm,"

"Okay."

She raised her head from his shoulder to look at him, as if completely unsure of what he had just said.

"Okay what?"

He leaned in and kissed her, it didn't last longer than a few moments, but it was enough. They parted and their foreheads rested together.

"I love you," Hawke murmured, half hoping he wouldn't hear her.

"Oh come on, I wanted to say that first. I had this whole speech and everything."

She pulled away and laughed, as if all that waiting and patience was balled up and just released into pure jubilation. Her laugh was infectious and he couldn't help but join her. It took them a few moments to calm down, he wasn't even sure if he would ever stop now.

"Well then go ahead, I'm all ears."

"Ok, so when I first met you, you were unlike anybody I've ever met," he emphasized this by taking her hand and pressing his lips to it. "That night in the cave, do you remember that?"

"Of course," how could she forget?

"Well I realized that night that if I didn't try really hard not to, I was going to fall completely in love with you,"

"I see you didn't do so well with that,"

"No, apparently not," he chuckled, "And there was this night in the deep roads, right after Bartrand locked us in, and you just looked so beautiful in the firelight. And you were smiling as if this was just another night spent on the coast or something. I knew then that I was going to fall for you, no matter what I did or you did it was going to happen."

"Uh huh,"

"And then you kissed me. Only for a second, after we talked all night. I told you so many things that night, Mal, things only you know and then you kissed me. In that moment nothing in the world could possibly be wrong just because you were in it and I was the luckiest man in the world and I love you."

He kissed her again, this time it lasted a little longer, he brought her hands up to rest on her cheek.

"Hmm, so does that one work on all the girls?" She cooed.

"I don't know, this is  the first time I've tried it, sweetheart."

"Ooh, so I'm a trial run, I'm flattered."

He kissed her like she was about to disappear. He tried his best to pour all those years of waiting into that kiss, as if that would take back all those years of waiting. He felt it from her when she pulled herself to her knees and wrapped her arms around his neck.

They finally broke when they needed a breath.

"A man of many talents, I see," she laughed breathlessly.

"Oh you've got no idea." He gave her a crooked smile that was just for her.

"Oh my, so the moody apostate has a saucy side, I see."

He clicked his tongue "I was talking about my talent on the lute, mind in the gutter I see, Mal."

"The lute? Wow, I'm not sure I've ever heard you play." She raised an eyebrow.

"Oh it's something I only do for pretty girls like you."

"Hmm...you must not have much practice then."

"Ouch. You wound me."

"Hmm, I guess you'll just have to use that healing magic of yours, Sparkle Fingers."

"They say attention from the person you love is the best medicine."

"Who says that?"

"Me, just now."

"Well then, we'll have to get started. Just so you know, I'm on top."

"Hasty aren't we?"

"Absolutely."

"I love you so much, Mal."

She answered him with a kiss.

He had always imagined them together like something in Varric’s novels. Both serious with candlelight and soft words, but this was so much better. She would never fit into those fantasies and he would never want her to, because the reality was so much better. Her laughter proved that she was so alive, and her love made him feel so human. 


End file.
